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lol LET ME SHARE MY THOUGHTS WITH YOU AS I WATCHED THAT TRAVESTY OF A MOVIE-CLIP...

ALICE-MOBILE: *TRUNDLES ALONG AT A BLAZING 5 MPH* OMG WHY THE FSCK ARE WE SO FAR NORTH ANYWAY, DO ZOMBIES NOT LIKE THE COLD, WHOA LOOKIT ALL THESE BATTLESHIPS...I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT--

UMBRELLA-SUB: D5--OOH HIT/SUNK, BITCH!  ALLOW ME TO TIP YOU IN SLO-MO, SINCE THAT MAKES EVERYTHING "COOL"

ALICE-MOBILE: NOoooooooooooooooooo(five minutes later)ooooooooooooooooooo! *WHUMP.*

ALICE: WTF DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A COW TO YOU??? YOU'LL PAY FOR TIPPING US! D<   /OPENS DOOR, SETS HER GUNS ON THE SIDE OF THE ALICE-MOBILE, AND..........GOES BACK INSIDE TO FIX HER HAIR, PLAY A GAME OF ANGRY BIRDS ON HER PHONE, AND EAT A BAGEL, THEN TEN FREAKING MINUTES LATER, PEERS OVER THE SIDE LIKE THE GRUMPIEST LITTLE GROUNDHOG EVER*  "T AIN'T A FIT NIGHT OUT FOR MAN NOR BEAST!"

*A CHALLENGER HAS APPEARED!* Three of them, actually.  Man, it's a good thing bad guys always fight fair and go for this 3 v 3 fight--it's not like they have A WHOLE FSCKING SUBMARINE FULL OF D00DS WHO COULD JUST ZERG RUSH THEM OR ANYTHING....

JILL: *ACTUALLY LOOKS FAIRLY COOL CLIMBING DOWN THE...STAIRS...? WHY ARE THERE STAIRS THERE, IT'S...THE SIDE OF A SUBMARINE TOWER*

ADA: I HAVE ZERO COMMON SENSE AND WOULD LIKE ONE ORDER OF HYPOTHERMIA TO GO OH LOOK I MUST BE CAPTURED, LOOKIT MY GLOW-Y HANDCUFFS (KINKY~ I'LL HAVE TO, AHEM, SHOW THESE TO LEON LATER...)

WOMAN BEHIND ADA: OH GOD I TOTALLY LOOK LIKE ONE OF THOSE SAD, HALF-ASSED, CHUBBY COSPLAYERS AT A CONVENTION WHY DO I EVEN EXIST

ALICE: *MAKES KISSY FACES AT JILL*

JILL: *MAKES KISSY FACES BACK*

WOMAN BEHIND ADA: HERE, LET ME STAB MYSELF IN THE NECK AND INJECT SOME HUGE, RABID SEA MONKEYS INTO MY BLOODSTREAM!  THEN I WILL MOVE LIKE I'M GOING TO HIT ADA ONE WAY...THEN ABRUPTLY CHANGE DIRECTIONS AND HIT HER THE OTHER WAY, MAKING THE WHOLE THING LOOK SUPER-AWKWARD*

ADA: NAPTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME~

ALICE: D<

ALICE'S TWO FLUNKIES: *OPEN FIRE*

WOMAN BEHIND ADA: *DOES THE GETTING-RIDDLED-WITH-BULLETS SHIMMY*

ALICE: *SHOOTING AT...WHO KNOWS WHAT, INVISIBLE ZOMBIE POLAR BEARS ON THE HORIZON MAYBE*

JILL: *DOES SOME RIDICULOUS FLIP THAT WOULDN'T WORK BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH FORWARD MOMENTUM BUT OHHHHHHHHHHHH SLO-MO MADE IT SOOOO COOOOOL THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER!!!*

ALICE: *STILL FIRING AT THOSE INVISIBLE ZOMBIE POLAR BEARS.  OR, Y'KNOW, JILL.  AT POINT-BLANK RANGE.  AND MISSING ENTIRELY, GOD WHAT A LOUSY SHOT*

JILL: LOL *STOMPS ON THE HEM OF ALICE'S COAT*

ALICE: *FACEPLANT*

JILL: *RIPS COAT OFF HER* AWWW YEAH, TAKE IT OFF, WHOO!

ALICE'S TWO FLUNKIES: *STILL SHOOTING*

WOMAN BEHIND ADA: *STILL SHIMMYING*

ALICE: D< *SPINS WEAPONS (WTF, ARE THOSE TIRE IRONS? OH, THEY'RE KAMA, OH YES THAT MAKES PERFECT FSCKING SENSE EXCEPT FOR THE PART THAT IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY ZERO FSCKING SENSE WHY THE HELL DOES SHE HAVE THOSE) FOR FIVE MINUTES, DURING WHICH GAME!JILL WOULDA FLIPKICKED HER AT LEAST TEN TIMES*

JILL: *PULLS OUT LIGHTSABER*  BITCH, BEST WATCH YOSELF, I AM DARTH FSCKING MAUL NOW.

WOMAN BEHIND ADA: *DRIPS BULLETS FROM HER FINGERS, WTF*

*FIGHTING STARTS AND OMG SUDDENLY EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD SUCKS; WITHIN TEN SECONDS, IT'S DEVOLVED INTO WHAT LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF SRS BIZNIZ SNOWBALL FIGHT/WAR*

WOMAN BEHIND ADA: I PAWNCH U!  I KEEK U!  I PAWNCH U!  I KEEK U! RAWWWWWR!!!

ALICE & JILL: IS THIS SLO-MO YES IT IS BUT WE ALSO JUST REEEEEALLY SUCK AT FIGHTING

JILL: LET ME PUNCH AT YOU SUPER-SLOW!

ALICE: LET ME CATCH YOUR SUPER-SLOW PUNCH!

JILL: LET ME STAB AT YOU IN A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2 KNOCK-OFF GOING-FOR-THE-EYE MOVE

ALICE: LET ME GASP OVERDRAMATICALLY AND THROW ONE OF MY STUPID, OBSCURE WEAPONS AT THE SCREEN SO WE CAN FINALLY PUT THE AUDIENCE OUT OF ITS MISERY

AUDIENCE: .....................................DIAF, RE: MOVIE PEOPLE.  B|

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Ada Wong

August 2012

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